Is this helpful?

I haven't posted for awhile, it has nothing to do with whether or not I like blogging at all. I stopped writing for that same reason that has caused me trouble with anything I start... The finish is either too far away or unreachable. I started thinking this was meaningless because the final result helps no one. Even though I started feeling better about everything by venting here, it also reflected back to me how troubled I am. Inevitably it depressed me, so I started avoiding it until I simply forgot it existed.

I went to a friend's blog and saw a link to my own. I read it and had mixed emotions about whether this is beneficial to my psyche or not. I am still not sure, but I thought I would try just something quick.

Do you know who you are??

Do you know who you are?? It's a legitimate question. I went out tonight with mt best friend who I have know since I was 2 years old, and we talked about this very question. The person you strive to be everyday, is that who you are. Some days the tasks you want to accomplish seem difficult, like there is an easier path, but if we overcome them we are better people for it. What if that person you are striving to be, isn't you at all. What if you only try to be that person because you think that is what people expect of you, or what you think people with preceive as normal. What if you know who you actually are, and you know that doesn't fit into the life you have made for yourself, nor would it fit into any life than that of a person in solitude.

Do not get me wrong, I am very happy with my life. But I feel like everytime I am going through the motions of being this person I am not. Finding it difficult to move on with this life I have made because it is no different that a fictional character, and I don't know how the story is supposed to end. Everyday is the same thing, how do you change something that becomes so route in that character's life, without losing who that person is? What if the person you know you are is so different than that of your creation, it will not be accepted into that world. Do I push forward in hopes to wake up one morning believing I am that character. That perfectly precieve person I created to fit in with the rest of the world with all the little flaws a person will have.

I really have no answer to any of this... Nor will anyone's reason help me find my way. I will more than likely wake up tomorrow and wonder what anything I have typed meant. Fully knowing I know exactly what I meant, but go through the day attempting to win the internal struggle that is convincing myself I am my own creation. For now I am just happy that I have a loving family that I know I can rely on and that I love more than life itself. Also happy that I found someone who may not fully understand me for who i am, but is more than willing to stick with me even with all the ups and downs I may cause.

These maybe common issues or maybe they are not... All I can tell for now is I have a beautiful family that I more than likely do not deserve. The person that I play everyday might, but the person I feel inside may not. One day I hope to wake up knowing am I the deserving. For now I will deal with the fact that I play him well...

Not bad :)

Well as far as I can tell this is a good day. Very slow this morning, mostly parted WoW, but this afternoon is good. Unfortunately I am getting a lot of bad hard drives today. Never a fun phone call to make, "sorry you hard drives bad, I can get the data but it will cost you A WHOLE FUCK TON OF MONEY". Even if it is easy to get off. My coworker to day is alittle talkie, but its better than complete silence I guess. This weekend I hope to go to The Bourne Ultimatum with my wife and my bro, shiuld be sweet. Thats good for now, nothing negative to mention. This keeps up tomorrow, I'm ON A ROLL!!!

I think its working :D

I say a good friend of mine that I used to work with a couple years ago. I haven't seen him or really even interacted with him in about a year and a half. He has sent me a few messages but I never seem to respond. I don't reeally know why either. I sometimes worry I won't know what to say, who knows. I'll figure that out later. The point is I saw him online, and instead of ignoring it, I started chatting with him (I made first contact). I could tell by his initial response we was surpised. But we talked for awhile and will be getting together soon this month.

Maybe there is something to this blogging I've been doing. It makes me feel a little lighter, with less worry. Or is could just be a good day. To soon to make any real judgments. Later.

Does it all help...

So what did I get from blogging last night, not really sure. I felt an intense feeling of relief when I was done last night. But now this morning I feel anxious. Are people going to read this and think I'm nuts, I hope not. Are people even going to read this at all, who knows. Sometimes I think I should keep stuff like this in a diary, but I think that would be shameful. Not having a diary, but the idea that I need to hide the things I feel... or don't feel. Who knows, maybe this is just some trick I'm playing on myself because I'm bored. Everything I bitch and moan about, is it all some ploy to make myself seem more interesting... to myself. Who knows, who cares. Its just nice to see it all in writing. I feel like doing this takes away the possibility that I will accidentally unload a small portion of this on an unwitting person. Its happened before, a small comment made on their end, sets me off on a hard day. I don't think that will happen right now. I can just type it, uncensored but my brain, fighting every word a may rant or even yell at the person, fearing I may offend them.

Well, back to work on this system. This may become a regular thing for me. Seems to come natural. At first I was think i won't have anything to type about. In reality I have everything to type about, I just didn't want to see in print, all the troubles I think I may have. Oh way, I will figure it all out one day.

RE: Filling the void...

If emo is the word you think of me when reading this, you have me all wrong. I don't sit in my room, wearing all black, listenng to emo music cutting myself. If you think it is emo and I don't know you, I could give a shit. Whatever.. I may not post again anyway, this is just killing time, it may or may not become boring. So far it makes me feel relief, so I keep doing it. Soon it may seem like a chore. Like I need to type, as if expected. I will probably think about how many letters I will have to type to get a point accross and give up just because of the time it may take to do so. Who cares...

Filling the void...

Do you ever have that feeling of emptiness. I do all the time. It's not that i don't have the greatest wife and kids, and support from them and friends when needed, but just a feeling of "nothing".

Some people seem to fill these "voids" with hobbies, so i try them all at least once. Take blogging for example, I'm hoping that if I type my emotions and feelings, give them a voice, maybe I that feeling will go away. Is it working so far... no but I will keep trying.

I play a popular online video game, its a lot of fun, sometimes I feel swept away into that world where I am someone else. I even use ventrilo, a program used to talk to people I am playing with. It's fun, but only a temporary fix. I enjoy it. I'm not me. I'm a game character, not called by my real name. But, I'm compulsive as well. I play sometimes because it's like I need to do it. I need to complete the task i set forth for myself in game. But once that happens, I'll make up an goal, so endlessly I will never attain my try goal... feeling fulfilled.

I actually quit the game for awhile, and tried have an actual social life and still play a similiar game using pen and paper. It was great to be around actual friends, real people, not voices over headphones. But the game didn't pull me in. Hanging out with my friends was great, but the feeling keeps coming back.. feeling empty.

All my life I have collected something from, ever since I was a child. Always think once I have it all, I will be eternally happy. Never happened. Now i have a terrific wife and two beautiful girls, a 4 year-old and a 1 year-old. I love them as much as I could love anything in this world, more than myself, more than air. I can look at my kids and know I have a purpose, to raise them the best I can. But it leads to anxiety, which I get a lot of. Even when i was little, entering the 4 grade and every grade after that, I never thought I could do it, like I wasn' smart enough. Sometimes to the point where I would get physically ill. But I made it though, over reacted I would tell myself. Never made the feelings stop coming everytime I had change though.

My wife on the other hand, I look at her and I know how lucky I am, but I also feel like I am cheating her. She deserves so much, but I find it hard to even do the simples tasks for her sometimes... most times, and I don't know why. I want to do everything I can for her, yet sometimes emptying the dishwasher and refilling it seems to be too much for me. Like I can't see the finished task so how can i complete it. You might think, how hard is it to invision a cupboard full of dishes and a dishwater with the dirty. I wish it were that simple... My mind doesn't seem to work that way, I even up in a split second trying to invision each piece being but away. Every fork, spoon, plate, dish, etc... It's actually overwhelming think about putting away about 60 peices of kitchen ware away, then reloading with the same.

I probably veered off topic, I end up doing that a lot. I often wonder why am i this way. Is it upbringing? Lack of a father figure? Getting teased as a kid? Never feeling like anyone cared how my future would turn out while growing up, when i need it the most? I.. don't.. know.. I hate the way my mind works, I never feel happy. Sometimes I feel excited, but when I just sit by myself, I never feel content, I always feel like I'm missing something. My wife and kids bring me joy, but I find happiness is different. I get joy from being around friends, in fact I get overly excited if I go out in groups. It's like a huge escape, from realizing how I feel inside. But, when its over, I'm generally indifferent. I think this all contributed largely on why I don't really have any friends right now from high school, college, previous jobs. i just never seem to care to call, I actually get anxious sometimes just trying to think of what i would say... so i don't call. Soon enough, everyone I just a memory, some vivid, some vague. I am currently trying very much o shake that habit. I won't know if I have unfortunately, until i change jobs again, when i stop seeing these people regularly. I have actually done okay with a couple people, you know who you are if you read this. I don't work with them, and I still keep in touch. But I don't call or chat online or go out with tem nearly enough. I hope they don't thnk its lack of interest, just lack of motivation to live life.

Well, this post has gone on for far too long. I may or may not post more about any of this. Maybe piece by piece sometime. I actually feel somewhat better typing this. Most will think I need therapy, they are probably right. But, I don't think I'm in denial about anything, just nothingness inside. I think when I am ready to talk to someone I will. For now, verbal talks of these topics are strictly over alcohol on the way to getting drunk with my friend/brother, if you will, who is just as confused about life and its meaning as I.